50 at 50

A collection of random things I’ve learned from a half century of spinning around on this planet.

1. Pictures show the words and not the poetry. Something to keep in mind when viewing unflattering photos of yourself.
2. A true friend is the person you want to call when you discover your first grey hair, and it’s not on your head.
3. You’re officially old when you can’t see well enough to pluck your own eyebrows.
4. I was a really good mother until I had kids.
5. Dogs make your house dirty and smelly, and cover your clothes with hair at all times. They’re totally worth it.
6. Time doesn’t stand still for anyone — unless you’re at a metering light waiting to get onto the freeway.
7. Life is too short to pass up a good deviled egg.
8. You’re officially old when the joys of a rollercoaster are no longer worth the backache and headache
9. Wear sunscreen. Every day. Don’t forget your neck and the back of your hands. My face looks reasonably OK for half a century, but my hands, ugh.
10. Money comes and goes. When it comes, tip generously. It won’t impact you significantly but could make all the difference or someone else.
11. You’ll always know when you’re deeply sad, but when you’re happy, you often won’t realize it until afterward. Practice recognizing feelings of happiness. Better yet, document them.
12. Keep a journal. I’ve written in one once a week since 1985. I recommend Space17 by Exacompta.
13. If there is any way to keep your starter home when you upgrade for more space, do it! Beg, borrow, do whatever it takes. It’s the key to getting ahead. I know, and I couldn’t do it.
14. Value a sense of humor higher than looks or money. Looks fade; money comes and goes. Someone with a good sense of humor will keep you entertained forever.
15. Farts are always funny. Except during yoga class.
16. Lift weights. It helps you focus on what your body can do, rather than how it looks.
17. Careers can be ruined by forgetting to hit the mute button when you’re on a company-wide conference call.
18. Keep a set of tweezers in the car. There is something about the rear view mirror that makes chin hair suddenly noticeable. It’s possible looking in the rearview mirror might cause them to grow.
19. The newborn years are awful. The good news is that you’ll forget all about them.
20. In times of difficulty, ask yourself “What if it’s all going to be okay?”
21. Time wears away the edges of the angst of your youth, until it becomes just a faint memory of the exquisite agony of being alive. This includes that guy you agonized over in your 20s.
22. Take public transportation. You have more opportunity to meet someone interesting on a train.
23. If you have dry hands but don’t like the greasy feel of hand lotion, try applying lotion after you wash your hands but before you dry them. Dry off with a paper towel and voila, moisturized but not greasy hands.
24. It’s voila, not viola. A viola is a musical instrument.
25. Grades are overrated. I was a straight A student. I should have focused on learning and not on getting As. Take classes pass/fail. Take subjects that are challenging for you. Who cares if you get a B.
26. An opportunity to learn is a wonderful thing.
27. When you grow up, you might wish you were a drama kid in high school. Be a drama kid now. Try improv. It works wonders for your communication skills.
28. If there’s an empty car on an otherwise-crowded train, don’t get in.
29. When in doubt, order the special.
30. Fight the real enemy. The reply-all option is the real enemy.
31. When you find something you’ve lost, put it back in the first place you looked for it. That’s where your brain thinks it should be.
32. New clothes are a huge waste of money. Try consignment.
33. If a random kind thought passes through your mind about a stranger, tell her. It can really change someone’s day.
34. What other people think of you is none of your business.
35. You don’t owe anyone a smile. If it comes naturally, go for it and spread some joy. But don’t ever be fooled into thinking it’s your job to make other people feel good and manage their emotions.
36. Music makes everything better. I married artsy. Try it once.
37. Caffeine is a drug. A wonder drug. Use it with caution only as needed.
38. Take a gap year if you can swing it. I did, in 1986, before it was a thing. I worked as a drive-through bank teller for a year, saving enough money to go to Europe for a week. I learned more that year than in any year of college.
39. Exaggerate your weight on your driver’s license. Then you can feel smug about weighing less than it says.
40. Wearing glasses is fun, they’re an accessory for your face. Embrace them. Except when it’s raining, or you need a haircut, or you need to try on new glasses. Then it sucks.
41. Maternal aggression is the most feared type of aggression in the animal kingdom. Keep that in mind when people say women are weaker.
42. Men have many ways to attract partners, while women are judged primarily on their looks. When women can attract mates due to factors they have some control over, like kindness or humor or success, then we might be on the path to equality.
43. Try something new and scary every once in a while. I mentioned improv before. That’s a good one. I just auditioned for a TV commercial. Instead of asking yourself “Why?”, try asking “Why not?”
44. When interviewing schools for your kids, evaluate the other parents as much as the teachers. They’ll be your social circle for years to come, like it or not.
45. Cultivate a skill that you can fall back on during times of unemployment. If you’re a generalist, learn to also be a specialist in something marketable. I had to learn this the hard way.
46. There should be a dating app for married people called Winder: the grass isn’t always greener. You can window shop for new partners, and realize how good you have it. Might save some marriages.
47. It’s means “it is”.
48. Stairs are a gift — like a free gym membership. Accept the gift. I started taking the stairs at Bart in 2013 and never looked back. Free exercise!
49. Conflict can also be a gift. I hate it and am trying to get better at it, so when I experience it, I think of it as a gift, a chance to practice my conflict resolution skills. I’ll let you know how that’s going (not so good quite yet).
50. You’re officially old when you stop creating new things. Like lists. There, I’m safe for the moment.